Sunday, February 8, 2015

My first Hindsight

Yall- I started this blog almost a year ago, in hopes to continue documenting the little things about our life, the funny things about our kids, and just little tidbits after my old blogspot account went into some different "typing code" that I truly believe only a hacker could fix!
If you've noticed, I did my first entry and haven't blogged since.....
Does that tell you about my life??  Does that tell you that I'm back in school to finish my bachelors in nursing, and sometimes even when I want to blog- the thought of opening this computer makes me cringe, b/c I think of school work?!?!  I wish I was technical enough to figure out how to blog from my phone, but then again, I think yall would totally regret me ever being able to do that, b/c it would be ALL the time!
But then I think, maybe God was saving this next post that I've had a decent amount of time to look back in "hindsight" on and think, "BY HIS GRACE..."
Maybe this post, being THIS post, was already orchestrated by God.  I don't know, but in reasons I'll explain, here it is.  Will I probably share this link to my blog on fb for everyone to read if they want to?  Yes.   Will people read this and not really give a care, but just being nosey or curious?  Yes.  Will people read this and then go about their lives without another thought?  Yes.  But without the cares of "airing your laundry to the world" or "people are going to read this just to be nosey", I also feel that maybe some people might get a true glimpse of God.  Maybe, just maybe, one person, might be able to look at my hindsight and think, "God really is still so at work in this world.."  Maybe one person might start praying more regularly.  Maybe one person might realize how sad it would be if we had no eternal Father to lean on, if we had no one to pray to, if we had no one to help pick us up, if we had no one to cry out to in our hardest times, if THIS earthly world was as good as it gets- ugh- yall I'm telling you now- i'd be in the deepest of depressions.
  One reason I've decided to put this on my blog, is to get some of this off my chest.  Another reason, is to prevent my husband from looking at me like, "do you need to go talk to someone?" one more time. But my main reason is to share Gods love. So in all fair warning, here's a personal experience of my latest hindsight, but yet, how INSANELY HARD AT WORK GOD STILL IS.  And because of that alone, I HAVE TO SHARE.  I promised God that I would share this testimony, and I would give him all the glory in this situation regardless because he was and is so powerful (regardless of an outcome i'm still not sure of), and I'm not going to just let a wonderful holy experience go without being here it goes...
Besides loving the sweets, and having to watch my cholesterol since I was like 22- I've been a pretty normal, healthy gal (BY HIS GRACE).  That changed for me, the Sunday before Thanksgiving.  That night, I suffered the dreaded stomach bug (or not, I still don't know).  By Monday morning, I was fine, took the kids to school, ran errands, etc.  Took a nap with my youngest little girl on monday afternoon, and woke up to bad stomach cramps.  By that night, anything that hit my stomach, sent me bent over in pain.  I kept trucking along, just sipping on coke, but even that was becoming unbearable.  My husband and I awoke in the middle of the night with our youngest daughter now throwing up, and while I'm caring for her and cleaning up you know what, I'm bent over crying in stomach pains (still thinking it's all related to this "horrible stomach virus" everyone on social media had been warning about!).  By the next morning, I called

 my dad to get up here so I could go to the doctor.  He comes up, totally just planning to sit here while I went, and after being here for 10 min, he's on the phone with my mom telling her how bad I am (and my dad doesn't ever worry, so that itself alarmed me more- I MUST LOOK BAD!), and he's packing their bags so they can go down there for the night.  I go to the doctor, and after almost hitting the nurse practitioner at the urgent care when she pushed on my right abdomen, she sent me for a KUB (just an xray of my stomach).  She immediately comes in my room and tells me to get to the ER.  She's talking NG tubes to me and all.  I'm HYSTERICAL!!!  I call Josh, he meets me at the ER, and we wait.  We wait 3 hours in the ER waiting room, while I'm throwing up in a basin in front of a room full of people because there was only 1 bathroom, and someone was ALWAYS in it.  I was crying, telling Josh, I've never in my life felt so bad in my life.  The pain was beyond horrendous.
I get into a room at 4pm, and immediately sent for a CT scan.  I remember crying when they told me I had to hold my breath b/c it made the right side of my stomach hurt so bad, but I was praying as tears came down my face (and the feeling that I was peeing all over the CT cart, from the IV contrast), that they would find whatever it was causing this pain.  It was at that moment, I realized I was on the other side of the bed this time.
Being a nurse in the hospital for 8 years, I can't truly say, I've been in my patient's shoes....I would sympathize with them when they were scared for a procedure, and I would hold their hand and give them the, " I promise you're in great hands" reassurance, but looking back- those patient's probably wanted to punch me.  Yes, I was being sincere, but when you're scared, nothing matters, until you talk to someone who has been in your shoes, had the procedure you're having, knowS exactly what you're dealing with.  The tables were turned now, and it's hell to be on that side of the bed yall.  It's scary, it's lonely, it's beyond words NERVE WRACKING!!  Did I mention, it's hell??  I had never been in the hospital before (except for babies, and that's happy, so that doesn't count).  I had never been in so much pain, just praying, "God, whatever it is, I'll tackle it with you, just PLEASE don't let them come back to me and say it's "just a virus" " (because I knew something wasn't right).
Long story short, I was diagnosed with illeitis and admitted with a GI consult for the next day.  I knew something was up that the cardiac nurse in me quite didn't understand because they immediately started two different type of IV antibiotics on me.  I knew there was a reasoning behind two different meds with a WBC that was only slightly elevated.  Here is where God totally takes over this scary situation:
A):  The IV Zofran started working more than the Morphine (huge answered prayer for me, b/c I CANNOT stand the "drugged" feeling, even when I'm hurting.  I praised God for that at like 5am the next day when that dose of Zofran calmed my cramps, and for the first time in 3 days a little toot came out! :)  I thought, "dang, how inflammed was/is this illeum of mine that i'm excited about this?!?"  Another God moment!  Ha!
B): My husband turned into SUPERMAN!!! From the time I got into the ER until that next morning- HUGE BLUR!  He had EVERYTHING handled!!  Everything!!  Not only that, but I do n't think he slept one wink b/c he was up googling, "illeitis" all night long (which totally leads me to the next part).
C):  About 10am, the nurse practitioner for my GI consult comes in and tells me how bad my terminal illeum was inflammed and that word appeared again out of someone's mouth, a word that I remember hearing in the ER but at that time didn't care......Crohns Disease.  It appeared that I was facing a new life long struggle.  I heard, we won't know for sure until we scope, but I'd say 70/30 chance, you've got Crohns.  I absolutely lost it again.  Was it cancer? No.  Did she tell me I was dying?  No.  Did I need to  be as hysterical as I was?  Probably not, but shock and fear together- is not a good combination.  Was I still crying at 1pm when I actually met my new life long best friend, my GI doctor?  Yes.  Did she blame me?  No? Did she hug me?  Yes.  Was she the most energetic positive vibed doctor I've ever met in my life?  Yes.  Did that help me?  ABSOLUTELY.  Here's where God took this situation and took over....Out of every GI doctor I could have gotten, there's a TON that could have gotten my consult, immediately jacked me up on prednisone and not given another thought....Nope.  I got the doctor that SPECIALIZES in Crohns.  I got a doctor who's goal is to never ever have to put me on prednisone.  I got a doctor who was leaving that next week for a Crohns conference.  I got a doctor that cared.  I smiled at God, and I thanked him in my hospital bed for totally intervening in my situation, and promised to praise him throughout the rest of this journey.
Did I do that?  Nope.  I totally let the devil take over my emotions, and MY HEAD, (and maybe the keyboard on my phone, and google), and allowed the devil to take me to a HORRIBLE place.  I guarantee you, when nurses passed on report about me every shift, it was, "she hasn't stopped crying, she's shaking, HUGE ANXIETY FREAK in there."  Hindsight, oh hindsight....I probably need to meet those nurses again and reassure them I don't need mental help.
Fastforward another night and day I had to stay because I still couldn't hold down food, and I was discharged home Thanksgiving night with almost certainty that it was Crohns, but wouldn't know for sure until the scope was done 5 days later.  From the time I was discharged, until my colonoscopy, I wasn't allowed anything but a full liquid diet.  Determined to stay strong for my kids, and not get weak, I lived off of boost.  Enough said.  The things you'll do, to be the mommy you need to be for your kids!  Ha.
We went to church on Sunday where God totally sat beside me and held my hand. I could feel it.  He also opened me right up to a scripture where he told me, "why do you have more fear of Crohns instead of what I'm capable of doing??!?!"  I stopped in my tracks and realized God was telling me how powerful he is, and from there, I got a sense of peace.  On Monday night, I clinged to that scripture, and went into my procedure on Tuesday with that in my head BUT in all honesty, THE HUGE FREAK OF NATURE CAME OUT all over again.  Shaking, tearful, crying.  It was the day.  Today, I would find out what I'm looking at in my future, and with the 70/30 chance ringing in my head- I could only be a little scared.  I mean, what would I name my stoma one day?!?! ;)
What did God do?  He showed up again.  He gave me nurses I knew ALL over that GI lab.  He gave me a nurse that believes in the power of prayer, and as I was being wheeled into the GI procedure room, told me she was going to a quiet spot to pray for me.  I entered that room to a nurse anethesist that was SO WARMING.  I'm not kidding when I said, she made all my worries go away.  She fluffed my pillow, in walked Dr. Hindi, and I remember her wiping the mascara off my face telling me that she won't let my makeup get ruined, as I closed my eyes and fell into a profofol sleep.
What did God do again?!?!!  I awoke to news of "there were a few splotchy areas, but I don't think it's Crohns!!"
"WHHHHHAAAAAAA????"  She went from a 70% chance of Crohns, to I took some biopsies, but it's not looking like typical Crohns, so we might just have been looking at an infection!'
Right here.  Here is the work of God.  Here is where he is powerful.  Here is where is a healer.  Here is where he proves that he's our GREAT physician!  I trust doctors.  I trust Dr. Hindi.  I trust a doctor who has seen something so much that they pretty much know what it is.  I'm a nurse, and I've been there.  There's been many of times I've called something before the diagnosis came about.  I believe God has blessed doctors, and scientists, etc. to care and treat people on this earth- but I also believe that God is our only, ULTIMATE HEALER.
I get a call a week before my scheduled appointment from the doctor that I rave about, Dr. Hindi- telling me , "Merry Christmas, so far, biopsies are all back, it doesn't appear to be Crohns.  Enjoy your holidays, and I just want to recheck everything in 2 months!"  I got off the phone SCREAMING with excitement.
I cried to God in thanks!!!  What a wonderful Christmas present!!!
January came- and the nausea has returned, the can only eat around 1 meal a day before i'm sick symptoms have came back.  Am I hopeful everything is still ok?  Of course.  Do I know my body, and know when something isn't right....absolutely.  Do I know that something isn't right....yep.  But oh my goodness you guys- if God can bring me through that SCARY, SHOCKING, hospitalization- He's going to carry me through all of this.  Does my anxiety of every hurt on my body now freak me out from thinking, "oh I must have bumped my leg" to know googling "bone cancer".....honestly, yes.  Is that struggle of realizing not every health issue I have is going to be that dramatic, real??/- YES YES YES!!
The devil is STRONG YALL!!!  Or maybe i'm just getting ATTACKED,  God has proven how much powerful he is over something that devil originally tried to use to destroy me, and now I'm able to use it as a testimony for him. I think the devil is still thinking that my moments of weakness in my head, he can eventually use to overtake me, and really turn me into that freak show for good, but I'm clinging to God, and everytime I've cried out to him- HES been there!!  EVERY.SINGLE.TIME.  God wants to show us his love.  God wants to prove how easily he can defeat the devil.  God wants us to cry out to him, and cling to him.  It's love yall.  Just like a momma that wants to attack every kid that tries to hurt their kids.  That's Gods love for us x 100000000000!!!!!  God is there.  Its up to us to not let the devil win, God is there to prove he always will be the winner.  But yall- the communication with him has to be there.  He doesn't force himself on us, we have to ask!!  The power of prayer is amazing and I have NO DOUBT it had SOOOO much to do with my results in Decemeber, and the healing at that time!!  I had every prayer warrior I knew praying for me, because I believe in the power of it, and all this did was make me so much stronger in my faith for him.
So please, I go back in 2 weeks for more testing, and I know that something will probably be found. I ask anyone that believes to pray.  If it's Crohns, I'm prepared to battle, and God has blessed me with a doctor that I trust with all my heart.  If it's just an ulcer- I'll forever be thankful. If it ends up being something totally scarier than Crohns- God will totally carry me.  Regardless, of any result I get on March 3rd when I see my doctor next- God will be my rock.  God will be in that room.  Because BY HIS GRACE- we have him.  BY HIS GRACE- we've got someone to cry out to, to beg for help to, to plead to for guidance and peace.  BY HIS GRACE.  I can see him so much better now because of that Tuesday before Thanksgiving.  I know Jesus, I've loved Jesus for a long time now- but totally witnessing him AT WORK- is only BECAUSE OF HIS GRACE.  It's only because of that can't totally grasp yet, LOVE.  BY HIS GRACE- we are his, and he is ours- and if we allow him, if we ask for it- he's DYING to show us that!
So is this the post I intended?  Nope.  Maybe just maybe one person needed to read it. Maybe my hindsight will give someone a sight for a new beginning in Christ.  And I hope you'll prayerfully await with me on the next step of this unsure journey.

Wednesday, May 7, 2014

Follow me!!

So this could be interesting, or possibly even very boring.  All I know is that I love reading blogs, I loved writing my old one, and since I'm a SAHM mom with 400 random thoughts, and a 4 year old and a 2 year old that could care less unless it deals with princesses, I thought I could throw them all here, and yall could read them!  Right?!?! 
About me: well, I'm "in" my 30s, with 2 young girls, and a husband who works so hard for this little family of ours.  I am very very blessed, but if one thing always comes to my mind, is the comicalness of everday life.  ESPECIALLY with a 2 and 4 year old.  I lay in bed at night, and either fall asleep without knowing it, or I lay there replaying everything I did or didn't do that day, or I'm talking my husbands ear off with 200 funny things the girls said or did that day! 
My husband says that there's not been a day in this marriage that he calls "boring."  And in all honesty, its because, well, there's just no telling whats going to come out of my mouth, or what I'm gonna do next, or he might even say, "what mood I'll be in tomorrow!"  (I like to keep him guessing.  If he seems too content, a lil bashing about the toilet seat being left up, will get his mind back in gear, right?!?!?) :)
In all honesty though, I can't help but look back at everything that has happened in my life and not thought, "BY HIS GRACE!"  - hence the name!  :)
I will humor you with stories of becoming a nurse, but passing out with IV sticks- I'm a nurse- BY HIS GRACE
I will humor you with "light, G rated, comical insight" of my husbands and I's dating career- yet we are married- BY HIS GRACE
I will humor you with many embarrassing stories of things I've done, or said- yet I like to think I'm an intelligent woman- BY HIS GRACE
I will humor you with thinking that we were ONLY going to have 1 kid, and I sold every baby thing imaginable- yet we have 2 AWESOME, BFF little girls- BY HIS GRACE
I will humor you with daily insight of that once, "I could never be a Stay at home mom" mom (me), that IS staying at home, and no lie- goes looney and mad more often than I can count.
I will humor you with the fact that God has my life sorted out, and sometimes I don't get bits of the picture until AFTER it has happened.  After I have lost my mind, after I have made a fool of myself, after I tried to take care of everything myself, after I've LIVED the moment- can I look back, reflect, and laugh at the hindsight.  Hence real-hindsight.  Hence BY HIS GRACE.
Follow me! :)
"Experience is a hard (but I think he thinks, he's funny sometimes) teacher..."